….The feeling I had, when I sat down with my team lead, as I slid him the envelope with my two week notice. The strange thing is, he was actually puzzled as to why I was doing this.
I didn’t care anymore, I was moving on. Finally, I can do my site full time! Even though I still had no job prospects, I knew God was carrying me.
Before, I made the decision to actually leave my job, I had a panic attack. I bounced back from it though. I actually took it as a sign that it was really time to leave that place. So, I am carrying on with life.
…I counted down the days, until it was time for me to leave, but then life happened. Right before my two weeks was up, the panic attacks returned, but this time was different. This is something that I would deal with for approximately 2 months. Here I am excited about stepping into this new territory, and now my body is acting against me. Let me explain what was happening to me at the time. My heart would literally start pounding so fast, and I could not do anything about it. I had to wait it out.
So now, I have to go to the emergency room, which costs.
Let’s back track, My two weeks is almost up, and eventually my full coverage benefits would be also. All, I could think about was what if I have to keep going to the hospital and I have no insurance.
My excitement had literally turned into fear. Talk about looking fear right in the face. Fear will leave you paralyzed, if you let it, and for a short while I was paralyzed. I was so afraid to do anything, because I thought it would trigger my heart to pounding. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I didn’t want to write. I was stuck. My laptop disappeared out of plain view. My life became consumed with what-ifs, and eventually my dreams started to fade to black. I literally just wanted to stay at home with my mom, because I felt safe with only her.
So, during this time, I’m back and forth at the hospital, because I’m trying to figure out what was wrong with me. A doctor prescribes me some medicine that no one at the age of 24 should be taking, but I was so afraid these episodes would keep happening, I took the pills. I carried these pills with me everywhere. I would not leave the house without them.
Now, I’m praying for real. Like God, this can not be life. I’m on medication that makes me feel horrible, but I’m afraid to not take it, because I think it’s keeping me stable. My mind is literally consumed with this. All I’m thinking about and anticipating is the next episode.
(Read about my post on fear, here)
I am supposed to be leaping on faith to follow my dreams, and now this. At some point, I thought I was going to die. It was real.
Thank God for my mother, because she started speaking over me. She kept telling me I had to make myself feel better. I knew I wanted to get back to the normal me, but fear had settled in.
So, I started to journal to God. I told him, that even though my heart is beating like this, I will not believe this is my destiny. I am walking by faith and not by sight. It’s not easy to believe what you can not see, when what you can see is dominant, but a mustard seed size of faith will change your life.
Thank you for reading my story.